Who's Your Daddy?
by xXHugsxandxCookiesXx
Summary: Everyone fell silent. Soon enough, one of them finally spoke. "W-What did you say, un?" Sakura took a deep breath and repeated, "I'm pregnant." Silence. "Who's the father?" asked Zetsu, trying to remember the night of Sakura's birthday. "I don't know." AU
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out yet, I do not own Naruto.**

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><p><span>Who'sYourDaddy <span>

"Oh crap," Kisame panicked, running as if his life depended on it.

This thought caused him to let out a small smirk. To him, his life did depend on it... because... if that creature got a hold of this—his single most valued treasure, he would surely die.

And so he kept running... running... running... until he started to have trouble breathing.

As he started to pant, he noticed something, a rectangular object, just a little bit bigger than he was.

'Perfect,' he thought, rejoicing as he found that it could serve as the perfect haven to avoid his pursuer.

He got in, clutching his precious prize to his chest tightly. Then, he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

...

Damn, did he hate waiting.

He frowned. Stupid asshole, trying to steal the only wonderful thing in this small world full of evil, demented things and people.

Looking at the time on his wristwatch, he gave out a quiet, yet, irritated sigh.

He couldn't believe that he, the almighty and powerful Kisame "the Demon Shark" Hoshigaki, was reduced to fearfully hiding inside this stupid, god-forsaken closet.

And to make it ten—no, a million times worse than it already was, he couldn't even begin to accept the fact that he was hiding from _Tobi._

"Everything is gonna be alright, Kinny-chan... I'm gonna keep you safe from that swirly-faced monster." the blue-haired man whispered soothingly to the freakishly-small goldfish.

Even the goldfish sweat dropped at her usually-incredibly-strong master's sentiments.

"Kisame-san! Please don't run away! It's Tobi's turn to make supper for everyone tonight and he doesn't have anything to cook because Sakura-chan isn't back with the groceries yet! If

Tobi doesn't cook anything, everybody's gonna starve!" the masked boy cried.

"Speak of the devil..." the sharp-toothed boy rolled his eyes.

Everybody could get giant wooden stakes shoved up their asses for all Kisame cared. He was not gonna give Kin, his precious goldfish, to Tobi for tonight's all-you-can-eat buffet.

But now that he did think of supper, he was getting kinda hungry.

"Kisame-san!" he heard Tobi desperately shout.

At this, Kisame cringed. He could hear spiky-haired idiot's voice getting closer and closer to his safe sanctuary.

The teenager tried hard to keep his cool. In situations like these, people couldn't lose their heads. They had to think hard of ways to get out.

Just as he began to plan which path he could take around the dormitory in order to run away from Tobi without bumping into anyone that would probably stop or slow him down, he felt something lightly graze his foot.

He looked down. After a few seconds, an evil smile began to grace his features.

As this was happening, the oh-so-intelligent Tobi started to wonder where his dear Kisame-sempai was hiding. Maybe under the bed? No. How about behind that pillow? Nope. Inside the drawer? Nuh-uh.

"Hm... This is hard. Kisame-san sure is good at keeping himself hidden..." he said as he scratched his head.

Deciding that Mr. Sharky-pants wasn't in the room, the lollipop-faced boy just shrugged and turned to leave. Unfortunately, this proved to be a very bad decision as he found Kisame staring him down, proceeding to knock Tobi out with a clay sculpture.

_Thud. _

"Woah, Deidara-san was right! Art is powerful..." the bulky blue high school student said to himself, momentarily amazed by this new discovery.

Sadly, though, the moment was short-lived as he caught Tobi's leg twitching at the corner of his eye and remembered his two most important goals at the moment—to keep Kin-chan safe and run like hell.

And so, he wrapped his long arms securely around the tiny fishbowl and prepared to sprint away.

Although in his hurry to get out, he failed to notice that Deidara was about to enter the room and they collided into each other.

"Hey, watch it, un!" the blonde yelled.

"I'm sorry, Dei-kun." Kisame apologized, offering Deidara his hand.

The younger boy warily accepted it, rubbing his rear as he stood up.

As the young artist was about to ask shark-for-brains about what the hell he was doing in his room, he spotted Tobi lying on the center of the floor... along with one of his best sculptures… It was broken.

He heard a whimper from the orange clad boy as he tried his best to get up.

Too bad Tobi didn't know that he probably should've stayed down.

"TOBI! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?" Deidara screeched.

"U-Uh... Sempai?"

Kisame then felt that it was time for him to escape.

Dashing away, he could've sworn that he heard Tobi's screams of pain along with the sounds of vases, or rather, sculptures, breaking against the wooden floor of the sadist- er, the artist's room.

He almost felt sorry for the little bastard.

'This is no time for sympathy, Kisame. You gotta save Kinny-chan first!' he felt a tiny bead of sweat run down the side of his pale-blue face.

As he continued running, a few minutes later, he heard an awfully familiar voice say, "Hey, slow down there, blue ranger! What the fuckin' hell is a guy like you runnin' away from? Seriously! Is it the fuckin'-"

He didn't allow Hidan to finish the sentence as he just shoved past him.

Hidan, being the slow-brained dumbass that he was, was unable to dodge in time and thus, ended up with his face slamming against the wall.

Evidently, this seemed to piss the zealot off as he ran after Kisame screaming and cursing at the "tuna-head" from his grandmother to his goldfish with all the words he knew from his rainbow-colored vocabulary.

Kisame heard at least 14 swear words that didn't even exist in his dictionary...

But, due to the racket Hidan was making, the rest of the tenants of the Akatsuki Dormitory were soon becoming quite... pissed.

Well, long story short, about 10 minutes after the great goldfish-protector bumped into the aggressive Hidan, he found that he was being chased by 4 angry tenants. Namely, Hidan (who was mad because of Fish-head's lack of "proper manners"), Kakuzu (who was seriously getting impatient with Hidan's stupid yelling around the dorm while he was trying to count his money in peace), Tobi (who was still trying to get the goldfish) and finally, Deidara (who was after Tobi for already obvious reasons).

Man, did it suck that bad to be Kisame?

Quickly shaking the thought away, Kisame was about to make a right turn into the kitchen until he (along with everybody else who was chasing him) bumped into a tired Sakura who was carrying the groceries.

After the resounding crash and the masculine groans that followed, the Akatsuki Dormitory tenants looked up to find a furious Sakura covered in ketchup. Uh-oh.

Kisame was scared.

Hidan was rolling his eyes.

Kakuzu was giving Hidan a dirty look.

Deidara was muttering something about strangling Tobi.

Tobi felt that he just wet his pants.

The tenants were currently trying their best to stand up and get the various foods & condiments off of themselves but the cold glare that Sakura was throwing all of them was so intense that they felt like a big hole was burning into each of their backs. Sorry to say, but it was really distracting.

Some of the guys like Hidan, Kakuzu and Deidara were trying to ignore it, but the steam coming up from the lone female's ears was causing them to fail miserably. Sigh.

"Alright, boys. We're having an Akatsuki conference. Now, get your hostile asses up into the dining room before I do it myself." the pinkette commanded the moment they were all cleaned up.

At the very second the male tenants heard the sentence leave their dorm manager's lips, they all tried to scamper off to the dining room as fast as they could.

Once they reached the spacious area, several of the males decided to sit down while the rest settled for standing up.

As Sakura followed, there was an awkward silence before somebody managed to break the it.

"Tobi started it," Kisame said, pointing at Tobi.

"What? But Tobi is a good boy..."

"I second Kisame's statement." Deidara stood.

"I object, your honor!"

"Hidan, this isn't a court room."

"What? I just felt like sayin' it greedy-ass. Seriously!"

"Well, you're making a fool out of yourself. Sit down."

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"He's got a point there."

"Shut the fuck up, fish-fry. I don't need you to defend me!"

"HAH! You couldn't defend yourself from a cockroach, un!"

"Tobi can defend himself from a cockroach, sempai!"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' TRAP, SWIRLY."

"..."

"I still say it's Tobi's fault, un!"

Sakura facepalmed. She couldn't believe she actually took this job.

About half a year ago, all she had to do when she got hired to be the new dorm manager of Akatsuki Dormitory was cook, clean, do dishes, do laundry, do the groceries, attend to the tenants' needs and basically survive on what little energy she had left to take care of herself and her homework.

At the time, she thought it would be a good thing to understand her tenants and create a strong bond with them. She had the idea that it would make them take it easy on her.

But, man, was she wrong.

When she finally came to grow closer to her tenants, she found herself mediating fights, taking care of injuries, comforting the sensitive ones (like Tobi) and a whole lot more crap. And as the days passed by, she could've sworn that every time she looked in the mirror, she started to look older than she really was.

Yes. Sakura Haruno, at the tender age of 16 was getting her ass handed to her by 8 teenage boys (more or less the same ages as her) who acted more like 5 year olds with every minute that went by in her devastatingly stressful life.

And yet, she found herself happy in the midst of these trouble makers. Because... No matter how rowdy, stubborn, idiotic, wild and obnoxious they could get, they could always bring a smile to her face with their daily antics.

What could she say? They were practically her family. And although her raging hormones and lack of much-needed romance would change that from time to time, she knew that she loved all of them like siblings.

But for now, she had to focus on being pissed at them rather than being all touchy-feely.

"Boys! Boys! Boys! Stop it! It's not anybody's fault, okay?" she hollered, flailing her arms around like a maniac to catch their attention.

Apparently, she succeeded, looking to find that the boys were silently staring up at her as if expecting something.

As she repressed the urge to sweat drop, she said, "Alright, then. Let's get to the bottom of this, shall we?"

Clearing her throat, she faced Tobi, who in turn, fell off his chair. "Tobi didn't do it! He promises!"

Sakura was about to say something, but Kisame interrupted, "LIAR! You were about to make Kinny-chan our dinner!"

Deidara smirked, "Kinny-chan?"

Kisame's prized pet, "Kinny-chan" as he liked to call her, was mostly kept under wraps from the other tenants so as not to fall victim to constant, unnecessary teasing. The few who knew about her were Sakura, Itachi, Tobi, and Zetsu.

The female medical student chose to ignore Deidara's remark and ask, "Tobi, is Kisame telling the truth? Did you try to cook Kinny-chan for our dinner?"

Before answering, Tobi rose from his rather pathetic position on the tiled floor.

"Yes! Everybody else was getting hungry! Tobi could even hear Hidan-san grumbling and complaining about how Sakura-chan was being so slow in getting the groceries—"

Hearing this, Sakura sent a nasty glare in Hidan's direction, to which he started rubbing the back of his neck somewhat sheepishly, if only to hide his slight fear. He was gonna get back at that kid later.

"—so Tobi thought that since it was his turn to cook, he should just think of something else to cook before Sakura-chan got back with the groceries!" he said cheerfully. Then his face grew somber as he added, "But then Tobi couldn't find anything in the left in the refrigerator! Tobi thinks that Zetsu-san ate all of it when he was in a bad mood again, but then, Tobi thought that he could cook Kisame-sempai's fishy!"

"You monster!" Kisame cried in response, holding Kin tight to his overgrown frame.

"Is that all?" the girl questioned, raising an eyebrow at the rest of the tenants. "Wait. How'd the rest of you get involved?"

"Well..." Hidan started.

"Tobi broke one of my favorite sculptures so I chased him, I guess... un."

"And Kisame shoved me in the hallway, so I got fuckin' angry and ran after him."

"... As for me, Hidan was making a big commotion and I thought that I could shut him up personally." Kakuzu finished curtly.

"I-I see." Sakura replied, rubbing her temples.

She was fairly taking this in very well compared to the times that she would just suddenly snap at them and literally kick their asses out of the dorm for one entire night.

"So, what do you have to say for yourselves?"

They all looked at one another and sighed.

"We're seriously very fuckin' sorry and we promise not to do those stupid half-assed things ever again, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." Hidan droned.

"It was all very childish. We are very ashamed, un." Deidara said as if reading from a script.

"Tobi didn't mean to do anything that would upset Sakura-chan." Tobi whispered sadly, silently giving Sakura the best puppy-dog eye he could pull off.

"Next time, we'll be more careful and less... Uh…" Kisame struggled to find a word.

"... dreadfully stupid." Kakuzu said, stretching in his seat.

Then, there was a pause.

The dead air made almost everyone uncomfortable but every tensed muscle was soon relieved as Sakura shook her head and smiled, "Fine. You're all free to go."

As everyone was either about to celebrate or leave the room immediately, they were cut-off.

"But all of you have to clean up the mess in the kitchen and get the rest of the groceries tomorrow."

They all groaned.

"You guys wanna get grounded, too?"

Silence.

Turning around, Sakura grinned contentedly. Damn, it sure was great to be queen.

Who'sYourDaddy? 

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><p><strong>Reviews are loved. Don't be afraid to leave some. Constructive criticism would be nice. <strong>

**~Cookie :D**


	2. A Gay Tea Party with Booze

**Yo, dudes! I'm back! Here's your update~**

**Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out yet, I do not own Naruto.**

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><p><span>Who'sYourDaddy?<span>

_2 weeks later... _

"Hey, dude, un." Deidara whispered.

Ignored.

"Dude.."

Ignored (again).

"Dude, un!"

Ignored.

... _WHACK. _

"Ahh!" Hidan jumped in his seat.

"Young man, is there a problem?" An angry-looking old lady asked.

"U-Uh... " He stuttered, swearing to Jashin that he'd kick Blondie's ass for this.

The class laughed.

"Not really, ma'am. " He gulped.

"Then if you don't mind, son, will you _please_ sit _down_?"

"Y-Yes, ma'am."

Deidara couldn't help but snicker at the exchange.

"Asshole." Hidan hissed under his breath.

The young blonde chuckled. Seriously, who would've ever thought that the most brave-and-daring prankster in class, Hidan, could be threatened by the presence of their new (but extremely cranky) Calculus teacher, Mrs. Kyatsuka?

Well, he _did_ have the idea that the bastard was kinda scared of her... I mean, who wasn't? _Everyone_ was scared of Mrs. Kyatsuka. Whenever somebody did something wrong when she was having a bad day, she had the tendency to pull them over and give them 50 spankings. Technically, that wasn't a very good thing in an all-boys school. That message was made clear when the class brute, Shichiro, lost all his dignity as a bully when he got paddled in the rear for chewing gum in class.

The people who got their asses hit knew that she didn't hit hard enough for it to be called abuse, but no matter how soft and gentle the spanks could be, nobody would wanna die of embarassment from _that. _

So maybe it _was_ normal that Jashin-boy would be scared of her, but a frightened Hidan was a very rare sight to see. And so, who wouldn't take the opportunity to rub it in his face?

"Well, excuse me, Mr. I'm-going-to-ignore-you-because-I'm-scared-that-the-teacher-will-catch-and-spank-my-ass! I guess I just wanted to get your attention, un... " the artist replied in a hushed voice.

If only Hidan didn't have that death glare directly pointed at him, he would've laughed straight in the zealot's face.

"Young man!"

"Y-Yes, ma'am?"

"Is there something you'd like to discuss with the rest of the class?"

"N-No, ma'am, un."

"Good. Now, who would like to answer my question..? Err... Yes, Mr. Yukimura!"

It was Hidan's turn to snicker as Deidara heaved a sigh of relief as he mumbled, "Dumbass."

Turning to face the old hag they called a teacher, the blonde felt something move against his elbow.

_**Talk to the fuckin paper, shit-face. **_

He raised an eyebrow at Hidan. After writing something, he slid the note back to the silver-haired idiot.

_**Shut it, Jashin boy. **_

Hidan smirked.

_**Whatever, blondie. At least you finally got my attention. Now, what the hell do you want? **_

Deidara bit his lip. How was he going to word this out?

_**Uhh... Well, as you know, it's Sakura's birthday tomorrow... **_

_**... Seriously? That's all you wanted to fuckin tell me? We ALL know that, blondie. What the fuck is wrong with you? **_

_**Stop it, dick head. I wasn't finished. **_

Before the foul-mouthed teenager could grab the piece of paper to give a sarcastic reply, Deidara continued:

_**Well, she's been doing a pretty good job taking care of us lately and I thought that maybe we could do something nice for her on her birthday and stuff, y'know? **_

Hidan scoffed, staring at the note as if it had just offended him.

_**And what do you suggest we do, genius? Throw a girly-assed, rainbow-colored birthday extravaganza? If so, then count me out, FAGGOT. **_

Shoving the note back to Deidara, he saw a small (but evil) grin cross his seat mate's features.

_**Nah, I was thinking about throwing a party... Y'know, with booze and stuff? But, if you DON'T wanna join us, I guess we'll just have fun without you. **_

There was a long pause before Hidan took the note to respond.

_**You know what? You're evil- using a man's weakness for alchohol just so that he'll join some shitty, frilly and GAY tea party with booze! You should really be ashamed of yourself.**_

_**Hah, I'm already hiding my shame, Hidan. Now, spread the word to everybody else before the old hag catches us! Something tells me that Mrs. Kyatsuka would give us a HUNDRED spanks and a really long lecture if she does. **_

_**More like Mrs. Cat-sucker! Haha! Get it? LMFAO. **_

Deidara rolled his eyes while Hidan just chuckled away at his own stupid joke.

_**Yeah. Very funny, Mr. dippy-dipshit. **_

Who'sYourDaddy?

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><p><strong>Hey, guys! Sorry for the short update, but I've been short on time to write a longer, better one. ^_^""<strong>

**If your wondering why I tried to update as soon as possible (which you probably aren't xD), it's because I'm gonna pretty busy lately with personal stuff and I won't get that much time on the laptop, anymore. So, that pretty much means I won't be able to updae that quick. But, when I DO get some alone time with my oh-so-precious laptop, I promise that the next chapter WILL be longer if not a whole lot funnier. :3 **

**Reviews are loved. Don't be afraid to leave some. Constructive criticism would be nice. **

**~Cookie :D**


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